I’m a hazard to myself


I’ve always been clumsy. I’m the one you can rely on to knock a drink off a table as I walk past, to trip over nothing on the pavement, to slip and fall down the stairs. 

If food was on offer I’d be sharing it with the front of my clothing – to the extent that I had to wear an apron over my wedding dress to avoid slopping gravy all over it (I think this is hereditary as my dad did actually spill his wine across the table during the wedding breakfast, so the apron came in handy). Baby sick is not a massive inconvenience to me – I’m used to spillages!

I was forever trying to do things too quickly and tearing about my life, which inevitably led to accidents. A few years ago I had a permanent bruise on my thigh from banging it on the edge of the bedframe in the same place nearly every night (only cured when we bought a new bed FFS!).


So, I was a bit apprehensive about ensuring my little bundle of joy didn’t pay the price for my butter fingers. Throughout my pregnancy I walked carefully and calmly, slowly rolled myself from sitting and lying positions and only carried small amounts at a time.

After giving birth clearly I had lost ground to make up and, in the utter chaos of my new life I can only think that I just kind of forgot about myself. I was so preoccupied with keeping my little munchkin safe that I’ve become a hazard to myself. 

I don’t know if it’s a normal Mum thing but I can honestly say I’ve never had as many cuts, bumps and bruises as I have during the last 16 weeks – and half the time I can’t even explain where they have come from! I just seem to acquire injuries and all of a sudden become aware there’s a bruise on my shin or my elbow hurts and there’s a cut with dried blood.

To give you a flavour of how this happens, the following injuries are, I kid you not, some of the actual things I’ve done in the last week alone:

  • Slammed the car boot on my head TWICE. Yes, you read that correctly – twice. The first time I had the excuse that it was my husband’s car and I wasn’t used to it and I was rushing. It fucking hurt. A lot. The second time there was no excuse except I’d seen my baby had woken up and I was anxious to get inside before he realised he was in the dreaded car seat and began to scream. I can’t describe the pain from doing it a second time. Tears sprung to my eyes and after I got inside the house I cried for 10 minutes. I now have a bruise on my forehead and a constant dull ache. 
  • Stubbed my toe approximately 5 million times – on the edge of the bed probably accounts for around 2.5 million of these, the rocking chair half a million, on door frames another half a million. None of this furniture is new. How my toes aren’t black is beyond me.
  • Slammed the car door on my leg. I know what you’re thinking – how does one person slam parts of their car into parts of their body three times in one week? I know, it takes something pretty special doesn’t it? I’m here all week… 
  • Got fingers / nails caught in tins, food packaging, the backs of photo frames.
  • Burnt my hands under water that’s too hot. Ironically by testing to see whether the water was too hot. It was. FML.
  • My baby beat me up. Well it’s not like he drop-kicked and body slammed me, but he’s head-butted me about 400 times (that feels excellent when your head has already been on the receiving end of two blows from a steel door or when he slams into your teeth or throat), he’s scratched me so much that I look like I’ve done a few rounds with the neighbour’s cat (and, incidentally, scratched himself despite me having cut his nails diligently every few days), he’s wragged clumps of my hair out, he nearly pulled my earring out by dragging it from my ear and he’s pinched my neck (I didn’t even realise it was possible to pinch your neck – surely this is the part of the body with the least skin to pinch? I’m not exactly packing four chins over here).
  • Something is wrong with my knees. I think it could be from the bathtime and play gym kneeling combined with awkward standing up from being on the floor while holding my baby but they feel creaky, sore and achy.  
  • My wrists feel similar – I think I have bottle feeding wrist (a bit like golfers’ arm and tennis elbow but I’m less fit and I can’t rest from my ‘sport’).
  • I walked into the staircase bannister three times on the same day and caught the same part of my arm (the batwing part) each time. I’ve lived in my house two years and never done this before. Why? Why? Why? There’s a nice bruise there now – one of those ones that’s all hard. 

In addition, I have unexplained bruises on both arms and legs. I don’t really know what’s going on and how this is happening. Does anyone have any tips on how not to injure yourself when you have a baby before I seriously injure myself? I think I need a padded suit!

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